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Old 16 Jun 2007, 03:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Drink of Choice: Bit of Captain Morgan W/ Code Red.

Song of Choice: Float On - Modest Mouse

____________________________________________


*Note* = This was written days ago, thinks may have changed.
____________________________________________

I've changed. You've changed. Why must you think the same?


So today, I talked to someone who I haven't liked in a year yet at one time, I liked her just as much as Kara.

Alex Guerrero.

Basically, I said all I hadn't said when we were off-and-on for over a year.

She's so blind, I can't stand it. It's unbelievable really.

She said that she always felt that she needed to be different around me and she was never herself with me.

Oh really. So those hundreds of hours we spent talking on the phone literally, the time that I took to love you and everything else meant nothing?

I'm going to say it right now and goddamn it if I don't mean it.


I hate you. You wasted all my time. You're worthless and I can't believe I gave you the HONOR of being my girlfriend back then.

You're the person who my generation is tired of. You know what I mean. You go with your emo boyfriend and I hope you have your heart broken completely. I hope you try to come back to me so I can just laugh and say "No" with all my meaning.

And i'll just wink and carry on my day.

I went through all of your parent's horrible things said to me. I went through all the horrible things you said to me. I went through all the horrible things your friends said to me.

Yet I carried on and didn't care.

That was unwise.

And calling me unwise or as you said Alex, "just like all those other kids who think they are smart" a day or so ago?

Oh baby you don't even know the half of it. I'm smarter than most people not only where I am, not only the city i'm in, not only the state i'm in but my whole damn country. Just because I was an idiot and fell for a dumb bitch like you doesn't mean that single action of emotion signifies who I am.

Just means I can make dumb mistakes.

Or as I will put it, TALK to a dumb mistake every once and awhile. ^_--

You make me sick Alex.

You were never worth it. I should've taken the advice from all of my friends.

"She's playing you."

"She's stupid."

"She's a slut."

"She's ugly."

and the most important one.

"You deserve better."

Andrew. Sean. Collin. Mikey. Max. You were all right. How dumb was I?


And moving on, yes I do deserve better. I deserve a lot in this world and I seriously hope I do have a better life here on out. I have to. I've had a bad life for long enough, I am going to take charge and make things happen. I WILL be a famous writer. I WILL be in love again. I WILL find inner peace. I WILL be me. You WILL be you. We WILL be who we'll be and that'll be ourselves.

It seems that i'm stuck in the middle of being the "sweetest guy ever" and a "philosophical asshole" from what i've been told here where I am. I know no one usually has a complete sense of who they are and I can admit it, even I don't think I can fully explain who I am. What I am, i'm a man who wants more for not only himself but for everyone else. I care too much for others yet I care even more about myself if I think about it. I can't care for myself when there's no one else to care for also. One of my greatest faults indeed.

I think i've found religion and that religion is Buddhism. I now realize that I have the mental capacity to be a buddhist and I can control my own emotions/thoughts and actions/words. I've never liked making fun of people and this switch in me always just flips on when someone is getting made fun of. Then again, I just got done making fun of Alex and it felt.... Good. Maybe I have more soul-searching to do afterall?

I think i'm fully into a Writer's Block now. I haven't really been able to work on my novel in the past few days or so. I think I need inspiration as half-assed as that sounds. Maybe i'll find it soon. What it may be, I don't know. Then again, i've written quite well lately when all my inspirations in life decided to fail on me. Maybe I am my own inspiration.

I can't imagine myself turning 18 anymore. I'm not going to read anything into that but if it means what I think it means... I can't think like this anymore. I'm too smart and I have too much that could potiencially happen for me to think like that. I have so much potiencial and i've got all the pieces to complete the greatest puzzle in my life, the one that would give me a good life. I just need to re-arrange the pieces and i'll have it all. Or am I just building myself up for something that i'm just telling myself to feel better?

Do I really need a "good" life?

Right now, my writing and knowledge are the two main things I have going for me. But if I had a good life, I wouldn't be going through the strenous drama that i've been going through for years now and I believe that I would lose most of my writing talent. For knowledge, I feel that there's a chance that I wouldn't WANT to use my knowledge if I led a good life and I wouldn't NEED to use it. Should I be really so willing to live a better life if i'd just most likely become one of the majority or do I need to have a life like this to fully use my talents?

I'm actually happy right now.

I'm still shocked/confused/heartbroken by Kara and it seems like she won't ever talk to me again. I'm still in a bad situation. I still don't trust anyone. Yet it all doesn't matter too much to me right now. I know i'm still alive and things can get better. The people with the best things in life usually have had all of the worst things in life. If the same concept works for me...



I'll have most of the best things in the world.


Yet i'll still be alone. Can't have it all.

I just wish I had something to build off of.

I just want one thing.

That's all I ask for.

I can do the rest.

- Highlight
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Old 16 Jun 2007, 03:18 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Old 16 Jun 2007, 03:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Monday, June 11, 2007

Drink of Choice: Diet Pepsi with Lime

Song of Choice: Say Anything (Else) - Cartel

____________________________________________

Calm. Just stay calm. Don't do anything stupid.



So here I am, a man who could take on a bear in a fight yet I won't fight those who want to fight me because I don't see the point in it. Even if someone's coming for me, I don't even flinch because I know the pain of a punch or anything that would come towards me wouldn't hurt that much at all. Maybe I SHOULD find religion and go with the religion I always thought was an option i'd like, Buddhism. But even with that, maybe i'll never on purpose hurt a person physically yet from what I hear, I hurt so many mentally. Am I really a bad guy? Am I trying to convince myself that i'm bad even though i'm an almost perfect guy?


Am I something more than most people are or do I just have a pseudo-ego that's bigger than most?


I can define my actions and I see them as usually good ones. In fact, i'd say they are sometimes great ones. However, ever since I was young, I was brought up on the notion that i'm a genius and as a kid, I was told that I was a prodigy. I'm being told what I was always told as a kid yet I can't differenciate from reality and a lie in this situation. Does that problem right there signal that i'm not a genius and although I was a prodigy at one time, i'm nothing now? How do I know the truth if those who are near me either hate me or love me so much that they are never telling the truth? What is real and what is fake?

At this point, I can't put a finger on how I really feel about Kara.


One part of me hates her for so many reasons. She turned on me like THAT at the moment when I might have loved her more than I had actually loved ANYONE in the world. Past friends, past family, past girlfriends, just her. In that moment, I was thrown down and seen as too dramatic, making a big deal out of nothing, too different and so much more. I haven't hurt like that in a while and my life has been nothing but hurt. I was betrayed and I feel like it's all too possible that I was being betrayed the entire time. I can't trust her.

However....


Kara and I were friends for around 3 years. Although when you're in the "friend" zone after a relationship, being friends usually is too awkward, I can't help but feel that I can't lose Kara as a friend but I already have. I'm not going to go too out there but not only have I might have lost the girl of my dreams, I might have lost my... Best friend. I have hundreds of friends. She might be the only one that I want to confide with. Maybe I do trust her.



About United Sports, I really don't know about that place. These guys, been buddies with them for years now, starting at 2K. I really trust some of them and some of them are just plain old brilliant including Drexlerfan and ChicagoChill. But I can't say I ever felt comfortable there. Yes, I disclosed one event at United and I got all the "support" that I needed in that horrible day/time. I always felt like I could be turned on at any time because I had seen people turn on the other users there and at 2K like THAT. I remember when I was just Right In The Net or RTT at 2K. I loved talking about Sports and I had a great time. That's gone away and damn if it isn't a bit sad. I had such a love for sports and talking about them with actual intelligence was great. But I even felt it, I was turning the RTT name into something to whore my RTT name out. I let myself have too much confidence in something that no one should even have confidence in. I really regret what I became and I hope those weren't my true colors because at this very second, I would return to 2K and just talk sports. But then i'd get banned somehow and it wouldn't end up being worth it. How fitting. To Adriana, i'm sorry that i'm leaving. Just have to Perfection. But then again, how do I know that you haven't been telling everyone what we've been saying for weeks now to the other guys at United like UP and 2uce? Who in the world can I trust?


I can trust myself.


I know that much.


- Highlight

Posted by HeroLove at 4:22 PM 0 comments


Sunday, June 10, 2007

Drink Of Choice: Vitamin Water XXX

Song of Choice: Lifestyles Of The Rich And The Famous - Good Charlotte

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It's all good. Does that mean nothing is great?


So this week has been a horrible one physically and mentally.


I broke my left ankle, I had a headache every day, I had a stomachache every day, today I got the flu and I had my heart broken along with my ego.


Basically, i've been broken down in every way imaginable. Hopefully i'll recover all the way sooner than later. All the emails i've gotten from those who know what's going on really help. You guys are great friends.


I feel that a Writer's Block is coming up on me.

If you don't know what that is, Writer's block is when a writer gets stuck in a section of thought and his writing takes a hard fall or her writing takes a hard fall. Sometimes, they just can't even write because they are stuck in such a "brain fart". It's usually for a short time though and who knows, maybe like usual, i'm just thinking too hard.

And here's the reason why i'm freaking out about it, last night I really got started on my autobiography/Life Story/Book/Novel. I'm not going to disclose any information until it's done in a few months but still, i'd like to get things going and going well. I had been told since I was around 11 years old that it would be wise to write this piece about my life but I had put it off. Good thing too, i'm 17 now and things have gotten only more different and while excruciatingly sad and painful these years have been, it will make for one hell of a story. Stay tuned.


I still can't stop thinking about if i'll ever find a girl who'll love me for who I am. Sure, all the girls i've been with, online and not, have "fallen in love" with me because of my personality. However, it never works out. Yeah I know i'm 17 and I have my whole life ahead of me but it just hurts me to know that i'll never be with another one of the girls that i've been with and they'll be with other guys. I can feel that i'm starting to sink into the feeling that "I've got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" and "I can have girls but I don't want a girl". Now right now, i'm just not that man. I just want to make ONE girl happy and love her with all of my heart. But that doesn't seem like that'll happen anytime soon. Maybe I need to give up and be what i'm not so I can stand living and at least be something.

I wish Kara would understand me and understand what love really is.

I get it, online relationships are hard and usually don't work. However, i'm almost certain you ended what we had just because you were embarrassed by yourself and didn't think it would work out in the LONG run. But Kara, isn't love one of those things where nothing else matters and if you love me and I love you, we should be in this together and ignore everyone else that looks down on us? I never planned to keep it as an online relationship and you know that, I told you a million times. I never felt a connection as much as I felt with you, I don't think you really know that. Just imagine what it would be if you gave me one more chance - err scratch that - US one more chance and we were together offline. You really don't realize just how well i'd treat you and love you.

Maybe you do realize all of those things.

You just don't want them and are a quitter.

I get that I should take care of my own problems before I let a girl take me into her world and share our problems. I know I shouldn't be selfish and self-centered. However, I don't think I can make it in the world without knowing that there's a girl that KNOWS I love her and she really, 100% feels the same way. I know i've got it going on.

Does any girl know that i've got it going on or are they stuck looking at my off switch?

Do I just need to be patient or do I need to jump off and start running for the finish line?

Music makes who I am. I couldn't live without it, music is me. Makes me think past what I can even imagine thinking. By myself, i'm an emotional guy with a lot to say that keeps it inside. With Music, i'm an emotional guy with a lot to say who says it and says it with all the power he can. With a girl, i'm an emotional guy with a lot to say who can't decide whether to keep it inside or not. I'm undecidely independant only because I almost have to. I hope i'll have a day where I can feel like depending on someone because I trust them. I don't think that will ever happen if things keep going like they are.



Is everything really not that bad?

Even though I haven't had one real good thing happen to me all the way through in over 10 years, I still feel like I had some more options to live a good life and I need to make everyone else have at least a bit of a better life. If my dreams do come true and I do end up with the career I want and I have all the money I need to do what I want, I want to travel the world and help those who really need it. Actually now that I think about it, I will help those in my own country America. I've thought of where I could move when i'm 18 and the main places that come to mind are Paris and Canada. However, i'm a Southern California boy. I want the fame, I want the glitz, I want it all. With wanting it all, I want others around me to get it all. I'm in a horrible situation right now and right now, i'd love it if someone just helped me out. As I know that won't happen, if I have the chance, i'll help out those who need it. Now i'm no nationalist idiot, I don't like President Bush and I don't like a majority of this country. But I will be DAMNED if I won't make others not take our President as the guy who represents all of us. We represent America, the people. Not the person. Not even just myself. Not just you, the reader of my blog. All of us. We have the technology, we have the brains, we have the voices.

Help out the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth and so forth people who need it.

Even if the first person is yourself, help yourself out.

Think about it.


- Highlight

P.S: Feel free to leave a comment guys after reading a blog section. It would be cool to see who's reading what I have to say.

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Old 16 Jun 2007, 03:36 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Surely this is work of Hemingway, Thomas......n'ah, must be Whitman.
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Old 16 Jun 2007, 03:40 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Saturday, June 9, 2007

Stand still. Stay there. Shut up. Sit down.



So I had decided to fuck everyone else's opinions and go to that longerie party. I'm half-way there when I just decided I could not let myself do this. I'm not that guy. I'm Christian Motherfucking Breedlove. I went back and now i'm right here. I don't fuck girls I don't like. I'll fuck when i'm ready, I mean shit.


I'm realizing that Kara has a lot of great points.


I like her a lot but she needs to just do what she's going to do and be with who she wants to be with.


Me? I'm not going to get into another relationship anytime soon. Too much heartbreak. At this point, i'm thinking of trying to go asexual. It's bringing me down so much and i'm so much of a better person when i'm not head over heels for a girl.


Her? She'll do as she wants. She doesn't want me anymore and she won't get me again. She can believe what she wants to believe and think i'm just one of those sweet-talking assholes but I know that's both not true. I'm not the majority, i'm not the minority, hell i'm not even the .1 percent you hear about all the time when something's 99.9%. I'm 100%. I'm in my own league babe.


Do I feel bad for myself?

Well yeah. I am/was in love with a girl who threw me to the curb after nothing.


Do I feel bad for Kara?

Ohhhhhhh hell yeah. She'll never find a guy like me again. I'm the cream of the crop. Whoever ends up with me and ends up married to me is going to be one lucky girl someday. She had her chance and blew it by being a bitch. Oh well!

Am I feeling better? Mmm hmm. I know what i've got going on. And what's going on is going on good.


So I left United Sports. Pssah, no one there other than NGO/M's/2uce and MAYBE Tink cared about me. Their site will fall within two months, i'm just jumping ship before they set sail baby. By the way United kiddos, if you're reading this, you had better watch out for your guests. No, it's not me or anyone i've sent. Let's just say Copyright Infringement will we?

I'm going back to the greatest forum on the internet, PWF. Why have to deal with idiots when I can deal with intelligent idiots? Come on now. ;3


So now, it's the return of Christian K. Breedlove. No stupid girl to bring me down with nonsensical bullshit. Me, myself and I. Let's roll. Or better yet, i'll just roll solo.


I'm looking outside at the stars and i'm thinking of what Kara said.


"I don't do online relationships. This isn't real."


You know what, maybe so. Maybe we need to see each other and be able to have a sex life together to have "love".


Oh come the fuck on now. Is it so bad that I just want to TALK with someone I love? Is everything about sex already?


Maybe when I was being an asshole and calling you a whore, I was saying what every damn guy who gets to know you thinks. I'm TIRED of being a punching-bag. I'm not your bitch, i'm not another person's bitch, i'm not anything for you, i'm everything for me. Sure, i'll continue to be "the sweetest man you've ever known" to all the girls around here but i'm my own man.

I feel bad for Jeff, the guy she broke up with to get to me. Keep in mind that Jeff was Kara's booty-call or something for months offline. This guy got such a bad deal and I feel sorry for him. I'm going to find him and tell him everything Kara said to me. What he says to her, I don't care. I know you're reading this Kara, you can't do a thing.


She didn't care for me, why should I care for her?

I care about her. She won't let me care for her.


I'm living just as you are. You're looking into that computer screen. Oh wouldn't you know, that's a fucking person. Don't you see what you've done?


You go be a whore and fuck all the guys you want. I could've saved your ass and we could've lived the glamourous life. But no, you'll always have the guy who'll abuse you and not love you really at all.


And the man who has always loved you and always will. What will he do?


If you had understood, i'd had come cross-country to just save you.


You didn't. Instead i'll just laugh at you and smile. Like Lily Allen, everytime I see you cry, I smile.


You had your chance for perfection, now you just go settle with division will ya? ^_--


When I get out of here, i'm not going to be straight-edge anymore. I'm going to fucking live life, i've got too much of a brain to keep using it. I want to just let go some times, fuck around and not take anything too seriously. That starts with me stopping saying "I love you" to the girls i'm with. You don't deserve for me to say so to you, prove you're worth it to me before I say such a thing.


I can't believe that I always thought I looked bad. I looked in the mirror today, sure i'm not drop-dead gorgeous or incredibly handsome but damn if i'm not the cutest guy ever. I'm not emo cute or girlish cute. I'm just manly cute. Maybe i'm turning shallow. Maybe it's the greatest thing to ever hapen to me.


I really need to get all the way started on my life story for a book. Why waste a horrible life and a fantastic talent?



I need to find my old friends.


Ryan Churchs.

Brandon Miller.

and the girl I promised i'd marry when we were 8, Elisa Villa.


Somehow, the most beautiful girl i've ever seen to this day. Asian, sweet, understanding, wise, so cute and we got along like no other.


When I was 11, I had to leave California for the first time and we just sat with each other thinking about life and what would happen when I left.


I came back as you all know years ago yet I haven't contacted her.


For all I know, she could've gone back to Japan but I now have a new goal.


Find the one girl in life that never misjudged me, always loved me, always hugged me and for one, was always just as smart or even more so than me.


Elisa, i'm coming back. I'll make sure you know where I am.


Things have changed since then and with the kind of person and how hot you probally are now, I bet you're taken.


The days we spent at Starbucks, the people who said we were perfect, your parents who loved me, my parents who loved you.


Perfection may not be an option ever again after Kara.

But hell, i'll take that place.



- Highlight

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Old 16 Jun 2007, 03:48 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Haha this is just brutal, I would say leave him alone but Chris/Kurt is just being himself.
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Old 16 Jun 2007, 03:51 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Fade to black.


Yes, more Kara drama.


It's so confusing yet I know i'm not confused.


Here's the build-up, keep in mind that you need to be up on everything from the first blog.


So i'm here in this place and essiencially stuck. Yet my friends (who are black and i'm white. It has to do with the story.) invited me to a 5-man (those two friends, me and two more guys) and 45-woman longerie/strip party. I know all of these girls and guys. Yet I love Kara so much. Adriana and Emily, I never loved you more than I love Kara. She's funny, she's so smart, she's cute, she's just perfect for me. Yet she just wants to be friends now after I professed all I could say. Sure it's an online relationship but i'd walk a thousand miles just to say to her to her face that I love her with all of my heart. I've fallen for her and my own creation, my blog, this blog can be appointed to myself losing all chances of being with the girl that i've loved for years now. This party, i'm not going to go. I can't. I'm not going to lose my virginity to these girls who for sure want me to to them. I don't love them, I don't want a booty call, I don't want a one night stand. This is the opportunity and a defining moment in my life now that I think about it. I gave up everything for now nothing but a broken heart and heavy eyelids.


Since the summer of 2004, we've talked about everything and i've always been there for her. Break up once, I was there for her. Break up twice, I was there for her. Break up thrice, I was there for her. Men kept taking advantage of her and I couldn't stand it. This girl is absolutely innocent. She didn't deserve any of the abuse that these "boyfriends" gave to her, she deserved the world. I couldn't say a word of how I felt for 3 years. I felt so much want for her. I wanted to be her Hero. I wanted to carry her away on a shining star and give her everything she could want. I finally said something and now, it's all but over on her side.



There's nothing I can do. She just wants to be friends. There's nothing more I can do. I'm racing around in my head, thinking of anything I could do.

It's past the point of no return. She doesn't love me. She probally never did love me.


I feel like now i'm almost tramatized from this. I've never felt such a weird feeling when I talk to her. NEVER before. Maybe that's a bad thing, maybe that's a good thing but damn it if it isn't a thing. I don't get it all.


I think with myself maturing and realizing all facets of life, i've changed a lot. I feel so cold now. Maybe being myself, the sweetest guy you'll ever know, was a mistake. Being yourself in life doesn't get you anywhere except at the very bottom of life. You need to be what you WANT to be. Set it, take it and fall back. This time, I think i've fallen into a unescapable hole and i'm not going to get out.


Even though i'm 17, I can safely say that worrying that i'll be a man in around 5/6 months was not anything to worry about. I've been a man since I was born. With being a man, I can realize what I need to realize. I don't need to and can't realize Kara not loving me. Not with what we've said to each other, not with what we said we wanted to do to each other, not with what we've thought about each other and not with what I feel about her and I know she feels about me.


Kara, you say you just want to be alone. I'll give you as much alone time as you want. Maybe that'll be for a life-time. Maybe that'll be for 5 minutes. But Kara, I won't be around for all time for you to just change your mind and come get me to love you and treat you like the princess you should be treated like. People love me. I love only you in reality besides anything i've ever said.


Does anyone really care about me?


You know what, it's possible that no one does. There's too many men and women in the world. There's going to be some exceptions. I'm one of them. I only want to help others and make THEM happy. I'm not involved in anything bad and really haven't.


Maybe i'm the exception to the saying that "Good things happen to those who wait." and also "things happen for a reason."


Good things happen to those who wait?

What the hell am I stuck in, a 1000000 story elevator?


Please.


Things happen for a reason?



Oh boy... Who says the reason that all this is happening to me isn't the fact that I should just think of myself for once and finally end it all?


Is there a reason besides most of you all just being selfish and not wanting me to die and go away?


Pfft, none of you probally even care about me. No one ever does.


Oooooooooh no, there goes Christian/Hero/RTT whining about how his life is so shitty and stuff, boo-hoo. I know what you're thinking and you know who you are. You just don't get it. I haven't been given a chance to live, you only get one chance and it's been blown for me. I want to buy my first house. I want to get married to a girl that I love. I want to be a Father. I want to grow up and get old and look back on my life and think of all the good i've done.


I know if I let myself stay alive it'll happen.


But can I let myself go through the daily pain of myself until then?

I'm always that guy who never ends having things work out in a relationship. Yet all the bad guys and guys who don't care about the girl they are with always have things work out. I think i'm too advanced for the world. I'm never going to fit in. No one will ever truly love me. I need to give up and I think I will very shortly.




I'm going to cry. I'm not unbreakable and i'm not some man who's above everything and only cares about himself. Why can't anyone see that? I'm not being egotistical and i'm not above my name. I'm going to cry right now. I can't think of anything else I can do.

What can I do?


I can do nothing. I've lost all I loved in the world. I have no more hope left. I've run out.

What am I going to do?

I'm going to write. I'm going to keep writing.

Whatever happened to people caring about those who care so much for you?

Posted by HeroLove at 7:15 AM 0 comments
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Old 16 Jun 2007, 03:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Highlight your 17 years old Jesus Christ are you that retarded to notice that this Kara chick has absolutely no interest, "I'm in love" my ass, your fucking dumb if your wasting that much time on one girl.
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Old 16 Jun 2007, 04:02 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Like A Fox
Highlight your 17 years old Jesus Christ are you that retarded to notice that this Kara chick has absolutely no interest, "I'm in love" my ass, your fucking dumb if your wasting that much time on one girl.
That was days ago, I couldn't give a shit about her now. *nod*
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Old 16 Jun 2007, 04:05 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I'm going to wait for this to come out on Cliffnotes.
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Old 16 Jun 2007, 04:10 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Highlight you should just stop writing them on the net.
Kurt will just end up making a fortune publishing it in a book and making a bundle off your misery.

Keep em off the net and publsih it yourself.
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Old 16 Jun 2007, 04:12 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Highlight you should just stop writing them on the net.
Kurt will just end up making a fortune publishing it in a book and making a bundle off your misery.

Keep em off the net and publsih it yourself.
Already being done, I have two books being written right now.


That's why I want to be banned here, I don't want there to be ANY temptation to come back and somehow ruin my writing tempo persay.
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Old 16 Jun 2007, 04:41 PM   #13 (permalink)
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LMAO...please...don't ban Highlight...the entertainment value here is just too great.
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Old 16 Jun 2007, 05:12 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Friday, June 8, 2007

Well to those reading my blog, I was right. Kara would not care about me or care to show that she cares about me after writing that blog. She doesn't want to have to deal with my shit and just wants to be friends "until i'm 18" even though it's preeeeeeeeettttttyyyyy obvious that she'll probally just want to be friends forever now. I doubted so much last night but I never doubted that I loved her. I shouldn't had have said anything, that "pink brick in the wall" statement just rings truer to myself. I'm nothing but another brick. All the pricks and idiots in relationships always say that the girl will regret breaking up with them. I'm not a prick nor an idiot but I can easily say the same thing. Kara will never find another guy who'll love her more, want to take care of her more, actually LISTEN to her more, want her more and think of her more. I'm so indifferent on so many things but every once and awhile there's things i'm 100% certain of.

There's two I can think of right now.


My love for Kara.

I'll be saying "Hate to say I told you so" very soon.


It's funny how much harder i'd fight for the first 100% to stay true.

So I was told not to worry about things.


Since when am I not allowed to worry about things like everyone on this damn Earth does?


I get that I worry as much as anyone and even more so but damn it, why can't I worry with those who worry about me? If you really are worried about me, why would you pick the absolute worst times for everything and then leave me to "die"? Are you really that uncaring now?

I'm going to worry and i'm going to worry a lot. Maybe you don't want people to know you worry but I take PRIDE in knowing i'm real and that I worry, I love, I touch, I feel, I talk, I think and I know.


I was given a question saying if I want Kara now or I want her later. I said now. I meant it and I still mean it yet that didn't matter to her. Yet i'm in this situation. She knows I want her and maybe just - wait- did just want to know that I did. Mmm hmm. Maybe the reason or one of the reasons why i'm so depressed is because you didn't ever really show that you wanted ME. I MATTER. I'm not just some guy who's punch-drunk in love. I know what I think of and feel. You MATTER to me as matter means to life in itself. But hey, think what you want to think.


I need to get out of here. I'm SO ready to be what I was born to be. I'm ready to be the social superstar that i've always wanted to be. But i'm not ready to lose my virginity or get into another relationship. Even if Kara learns to end up hating me and we never end up together i'll always want her. I can't be unfaithful to her. Now i'm no Christian goody-goody idiot and hell, I don't even think i'm Christian but I will NEVER cheat on the girl that ends up having sex with me and believes in me. Maybe I have an archaic sense of thinking, maybe i'm a gentleman, maybe i'm a pussy or maybe i'm just me. It's what it is and what it is is me.


Maybe today was just a rant but goddamn it Kara, i'm sorry. I know you might not want to be in a relationship with ANYONE right now but there's NO ONE i'd rather be in a relationship with than you. Not Emily, not any girls here, not anyone.


If you're confused, just talk with me. I may not be able to hold a complete sense of myself but I can hold a complete sense of you.


I'm thinking right now and honestly, I just know that Kara probally thinks i'm a freak/dumbass/weirdo now and to me, that hurts a lot. But lately, i've made her hurt a lot and i'm not this innocent guy who hasn't accused anyone of anything. Maybe I was just a horrible boyfriend. Maybe I was a horrible guy. Maybe I was a horrible friend. It doesn't change the fact that I KNOW I could spend the rest of my life together with her. I want to apologize right now and just be there for her.


In the past month or so, i've matured immensely. Many new situations and many new problems to deal with. I've always had to deal with not really having a childhood and currently not so much of a teenager-years-section and now, I realize what is going on in all sections. With that, I can safely say and it's been proven by a psychologist that i'm 100% sane and I always have been. I'm not even Bi-Polar or anything. It hurts so badly when i'm said that i'm crazy for what I think or i'm just being emo/depressed. It makes me feel like I should just shut down, shut up and go away. Maybe people DO care about me and love me but I don't think it's ever a good situation for them.


I've been told that i've changed a lot lately. People are noticing that i'm a bit down around here and it's odd when you think you're acting the same way yet people notice it. I'm acting the same way, laughing the same way, strutting the same way, talking the same way, winking the same way and everything yet people are noticing that i'm down lately. Could it be.... I think it could.


Will I end up as someone who had so much potiencial, brought up on the fact that he's a genius and end up as nothing or have I already gone through that and i'm living that in the present?




Now I know this whole blog entry will be looked as just me whining about how my girlfriend broke up with me or whatever you want to say. But i'm realizing, I live so others can live. I'd take a bullet for anyone in the world. I'd reach out a hand to anyone in the world when they are down.

But maybe they want me to take that bullet and lay down. Maybe people just don't care.


I keep on wanting to talk about other things in my life but for everything, there's a place & time for everything. I can complain about my other stuff in my life later, right now I have one more thing to say. Kara, i've seen this happen a million times.

Don't hesitate to say what you want and let me know what you're feeling.

I cannot stress that enough. Right now i'm stuck in your "friend" zone after a day of frustration.

I have my own "friend" zone too.

You have me by the strings right now.

All you've got to do is pull up.


Every girl falls in love with my personality.


Maybe when I fall in love, I lose that personality.

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Old 16 Jun 2007, 05:16 PM   #15 (permalink)
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So he left a forum that he was modding at because they were too nice, he comes here and asks to be banned because he gets flamed and it takes too much time away from other things, then he has a diary on a blog that he whines about some bitch named Kara all day.

Maybe Highlight should get off the computer and go out and exercise.
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