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Old 30 Jun 2005, 03:18 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Forgive me...

I didn't put this in OT because I guess I don't want a lot of people reading this. I've been bothered by something very personal for some time now. My natural tendency is to keep it to myself; I don't think people need to be burdened with my problems. Then I read Kurt's "The Price We Pay" in MOTM and it occurred to me that if maybe I just communicate it to someone other than my wife, it may help. Fat chance but here goes.

It was 16 days ago that I learned that time does not heal inner wounds.

I never cheated on my wife with Megan, not that she wouldn't have wanted to, but I'm just not like that. I probably shouldn't have kept her around as a friend. She was hot, like a regular man's Jennifer Love Hewitt. She had a vibrance, an energy about her. She had a great attitude and sense of humor. It didn't even matter to me that she was practically a Commie.

She was also helpless. Bipolar and floating from job to job, never able to hold one longer than six months. She went through men like smokers go through a carton-she tried hard, but found that the guys she dated were either complete losers or more fucked up than she was.

When our (mine and my wife Heather) first child arrived, Megan stopped making comments about running off with me. I was thankful; I valued her friendship. She'd had a lot to deal with; one of the more fucked up childhood's I've ever heard of, her mental instability, her times hovering just above transience and her feeling that she was completely alone. In a way, after my first son came, she was. We were still tight but she'd withdrawn. She didn't call or come over as often...and that was after she'd told me I was her only "friend of trust."

Adrift alone in an ocean of paranoia. That's how she described it and it came out from time to time in her behavior. I practically begged her to get back on her meds, but not holding a job, she had no insurance and couldn't afford the appointment with her psychiatrist to get the scrip, let alone the meds themselves.

Then there was what I thought was a miracle. She met Jay. He was almost 10 years older than she, but he was as solid as they come. Good guy, a Librarian for almost 8 years, a homeowner in an affluent enough suburb. Things with them went great for a while, but then little problems surfaced here and there and then snowballed. I'd get calls at night - Meg crying, convinced that some of her former boyfriends were involved in a conspiracy against her. Basically she thought the world was laughing at her.

Heather and I closed on our house in mid-May 2004. Meg was happy for us. Early in June, Meg called one evening. She was shaken and upset. Paranoia had been working on her. She asked to come over. Her emotions had been all over recently. She wanted to smoke pot. Jay however, had thought that marijuana and her meds combined to give her psychotic mood swings, so I had said no. Besides, I didn't want her around my kids in her state, despite the fact that they were sleeping. She asked several more times before the call ended. I try to tell myself that she wasn't pleading.

When Jay came home from work June 14th 2004, he found Megan hanging from a tree in their back courtyard by an extension cord. I wasn't there but I can still hear his scream. He'd already been married and lost that wife in a car accident. Now this. When I saw him at the wake, I didn't even think about shaking his hand. I usually don't hug men who aren't blood relatives or lifelong friends, but this was different. I remember thinking he'd break my ribs if he hugged any harder. He was bawling, desperate to wake up from the worst recurring nightmare ever. I tried to comfort him, but I was a mess. I'd looked to Heather for help, but she was at that point much worse than I was...I hadn't even noticed.

They told me it wasn't my fault, that there's nothing I could've done. There's no way I could've known she'd have done that. I know they're right, but it doesn't help. It's now been a year and 16 days. Time does not heal inner wounds.

Thanks for listening.

Late.
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Last edited by The Glue; 30 Jun 2005 at 04:29 PM.
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Old 30 Jun 2005, 03:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
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That sucks man....Especially now that your kids don't have a mother. Bascially every other girl that I've dated has been bi-polar and it was very hard on me also especially if you want to be really close to them. I actually almost had a child with my ex-Nichole who was very bi-polar and it didn't work out since she had a miscarriage most likely due to all the stress that she was under. I think about her all the time and still send her emails back and forth. It really pisses off my current girlfriend since all I ever talk about is Nichole. She moved to Oregon last March and she already had to move back to AZ to due to the fact that her best friend and roomate's mom was getting beat on by her drunken redneck boyfriend in this little town of Dudleyville, Arizona about 3 hours outside Phoenix so she now lives there and my girlfriend Krystal gets all upset everytime she finds out I get another email.

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Old 30 Jun 2005, 04:27 PM   #3 (permalink)
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No no no. The wife (Heather) is alive and well. The friend who wanted me to run off with her (Megan) is dead. Sorry if I didn't communicate that well.

Late.
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People who use the words "Internet Bullies" are the most pussiest form of pussies you'll ever find. Chances are better than not that any girlfriend they've ever had cheated on them multiple times, probably right in front of them, laughing at their pitiful punk asses the whole time while they sat there and cried. If you or someone you know has been caused grief by an "Internet Bully" then you and/or that person is nothing but a little punk ass bitch, and the world would be a better, more manly place if you'd just jump off a fucking bridge already. Late.

Last edited by The Glue; 30 Jun 2005 at 04:32 PM.
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Old 30 Jun 2005, 04:44 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Glue
No no no. The wife (Heather) is alive and well. The friend who wanted me to run off with her (Megan) is dead. Sorry if I didn't communicate that well.

Late.
Oh sorry....You made it sound like Megan was your ex-wife that you had kids with...reguardless sorry to hear about your friend.
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Old 30 Jun 2005, 04:55 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Glue that is terrible. I am so sorry.
 
Old 30 Jun 2005, 04:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Sorry to hear about that............. you have my condolensces man.
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Old 30 Jun 2005, 05:06 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Thanks. To all.

Late.
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Old 30 Jun 2005, 06:16 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Ordinarilly, I would tell you that Im Sorry, you'll be Ok and Life goes on. And I am and you will and it does, but theres more to it than words on a message board can get to. Things just get locked down inside us and repressing them doesnt help and neither does trying to wait out the pain. You gotta roll with it, you gotta take it as it comes, meet it head on and deal with it. Its the absolute hardest thing to do, but IMO its the best way to do it...

It wasnt your fault, from the sounds of things, it seems like it would have happened in time whether or not you had her over or not. The best thing you can do now is be their for her husband. Be the friend he needs, and maybe in that, you can find peace?

I dont know, Im just trying to help, so take it, leave it whatever...

But, I AM sorry...
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Old 30 Jun 2005, 06:28 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Thanks Mac. And of course everyone else...again.

Late.
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People who use the words "Internet Bullies" are the most pussiest form of pussies you'll ever find. Chances are better than not that any girlfriend they've ever had cheated on them multiple times, probably right in front of them, laughing at their pitiful punk asses the whole time while they sat there and cried. If you or someone you know has been caused grief by an "Internet Bully" then you and/or that person is nothing but a little punk ass bitch, and the world would be a better, more manly place if you'd just jump off a fucking bridge already. Late.
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Old 01 Jul 2005, 10:57 PM   #10 (permalink)
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It wasn't your fault at all. There was nothing you could've done about her death, and, in a way, it may have been for the better. Sometimes, it's almost inhumane for a person to have to deal with as much mental pain as she was dealing with, from my experience, things only would've gotten worse. Like you said, time doesn't heal inner wounds... neither do medicines.
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Old 02 Jul 2005, 01:08 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I am incredibly sorry for the loss of your friend...I truly mean that.

I hope you really do understand that no part of what happened is your fault. You cannot be responsible for other people's lives. Adults make their own decisions. As cold as it may sound, if she was set on doing that...one way or another, one day or another, she would have.

You have your family, it is my opinion that you had your priorities right when you decided not to smoke with her. If that was the state of mind she was in, imagine what could have happened in your house....around your kids.

You protected your family from a potentially dangerous situation, and regardless of all other things, I believe you made the right decision.

It is truly unfortunate for your loss. You just should not hold yourself accountable for her actions.

Hug your kids. Kiss your wife. Be thankful for everyday.
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Old 03 Jul 2005, 09:02 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I am going back to the topic at hand and avoid Alex's little poem:

Glue, I respect you as a poster on this site. For you to put this up and show your life outside the site is big. Sorry for your loss and be a good father, husband and guy all around.
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Old 03 Jul 2005, 06:57 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Sorry to hear that, Glue, not you're fault man, don't beat yourself up, i'm sure she wouldnt want you to. Hope everything works out for ya.
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