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Too Macho for TNA: Invasion
 
 
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Old 15 Mar 2005, 11:05 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Too Macho for TNA: Invasion

By Trevelbond Productions... bringing the C back into CW...

Special thanks to Dennis Miller.

Scene I

(It’s a bright and early morning at Universal Studios, as Macho and the kids arrive at TNA studios in the Mach-o-Mobile… a short Yellow School Bus)

Macho (Singing): The wheels on the bus go gently down the stream!! Merrily, merrily, merrily, life is E-I-E-I-OOH YEAH!! (Turns back to the kids) SING DAMNIT!!

Kid 8: Why don’t you just pick a song and stick with it?

(Macho slams on the brakes and the kids all go flying through the windshield. Kid 8 is grated by a chain link fence.)

Macho (Yelling at Kids): Any more problems?

Kids (All except 8, who is dead): Noooo…

(Macho exits the bus, a rotund, stupid figure approaches.)

Dusty: Heey dah comovvah hea! I gwne poocha inna numbawhun contena match fo tah hebbyweit champinchip ot da weerl, buddi ain’ got none tee-be time left in my bookins. Yah gotsta unnastan tha AH, beeyon a shadda of a dat, am deh biddest draw on da tee enn ay. Deyfoe, ah godda book misef intah deh midda of ebry thtoyline, ebry fewd, ebry angah.

Macho: Who?

Dusty (Ignoring Macho): Hoo dun brot deh liddawhuns in heh?!

Kid 5 (to Dusty): You smell like stupid.

Dusty (Scribbling on a sheet of paper): Hee com deh aww-toe-graph. Hew sell dat fo monah, hoe lodda monah.

(Dusty waddles off towards the locker rooms. Hall walks toward Macho, Nash crawls.)

Hall (To Macho): Hey Yo, Nacho Maaaan. The good guys are here!

Macho (To Nash): How long till the leg is better?

Nash (On back, beer in hand): Could be a month, could be a yeeeeeeeeear.

Hall: Hey Yo, who the hell is THAT?

(A figure walks toward the group, arms outstretched. He stumbles twice before getting to them.)

Figure (To Group): Uhh… Legend Killer at… umm… your cervix.

Don West (From inside building, slightly muffled): YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!! THE LEGEND KILLER IS HERE!!

Kid 3: You mean R**** O****, that fag from the WWE? What the hell? R**** O****? Goddamnit.

Hall: Hey Yo, R**** O****.

Nash: R************ O*****************…

Macho: What the hell is this?

(Don West appears at the window.)

Don West: We can only refer to former WWE stars by their gimmick names here. OH MY GOD!!!

Macho (Shocked): What!?

Don West: NASH ROLLED OVER!! YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!

(Mike Tenay shows up at the window.)

Tenay (To West): What the hell are you doing out here? Get back to work, Donny. I swear, you could drive a person to drink.

Hall: Hey Yo, Don’t mind if I do.

(Hall drinks.)

Macho (Looking under a rock): Where did O****… The Legend Killer go?

Kid 6: Who cares, lets go inside before any more fags show up.

(They Exit.)

Scene II

(Dusty Rhodes is sitting in the back of his Hick-Up… I mean Pick-Up truck… I mean office when The Legend Killer enters the area.)

Dusty: Commin an thet a thpell. Nah tell meh, what be a fiiiiiiine piethe of ath doin’ heah in the Enn Dubya Ay Tee Een Ay?

O****: As you must be aware of… I… err… did things in the WWE that could be done by no other… I held the World… Tag… Weight… Championship… for a whole, grueling… month.

Dusty: Thath amathin… thath thumtin… I gwne push yoo to da moon, jack…

O****: R****, actually. I think.

Dusty: Two thouthand feet gians, theperated at birf, two different mommath…

O****: I understand completely. Thank you for your time.

Dusty: Hew’ll git dat tihtle shot ah da hebbyweit champinchip ot da weerl. Jett Jarrah is goin dahn!

(Macho runs around the corner.)

Macho: NOOO YEAH!! I thought I was the number one contender!!

Dusty: Den mebbe I oudda make it a tribble tret, fo da da hebbyweit champinchip ot da weerl. Een a cage, awn a laddah. Yew can nebbah habe too many gimmiks.

(Squealing tires are heard coming from the behind Dusty’s truck. A limousine squeals around the corner and crashes into Dusty’s truck.)

Kid 9 (to Orton): Is that your faggot-ass limo, fag?

(A figure steps from the wreckage.)

Figure: WOOO! Champ, you da greatesht! Hey you kidsh! Git outta here! They’re ruining our gimmick brother! WOOO!

O**** (To Figure): Ric, Ric, relax… its umm… allright.

(The figure steps into the light… it is, in fact, Ric Flair.)

Flair: Champ, Champ, Champ, Champ!

O****: WHAT!?

Flair: You’re da GREATEST! YOU’RE A GEINIUSH! I’M A SHELL OF MY FORMER SHELF! WOOO!

(Flair sees Dusty Rhodes, who is weeping over his truck.)

Flair: You fat shon of a bitch!

Dusty: Heeey limmebring da whole group hee to dah bar, we gon git drinkie tonight, an tape iMPACT timorrah!

O****: I know a… a…

Flair: Shound it out Champ! You’re the greatest!

O****: A… Bar you might like.

Kid 4: Watch, its gonna be a fag bar.

Macho (Screaming): YOU SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO, KID NUMBER FOUR!!

(The room goes silent except for a whistling sound from Dusty Rhodes breathing through nose.)

Macho: Lets go.

Scene III

(Macho and the gang have been drinking for several hours. Macho and the kids are all passed out on the floor. Nash is with them, lapping up spilled beer with his tongue. Hall is in the corner flirting with a broom. O****, Flair, and Dusty are at the bar talking.)

Flair: These liberals are telling me that I should take it easy on the terrorists. They said that our founding fathers would have gone easier on them. They were, after all, for civil liberties. Let me ask you a question: Do you really think that our founding fathers would have put up with any of this shit? I mean, our founding fathers blew peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their morning beverage!

Dusty: Oh yeah, I agree. Listen, we have got to end it soon, just — we've got to mark our turf. I think Iraq is like East Korea. I think you got to send a message to these people over there, and I think this build-up to the war is why we're having all this controversy. And the French…

O****: Don’t get me started on the French! I’d call them scumbags but it would be doing a disservice to bags of scum. They might as well gas up the dinghy and go fishing with Fredo because you are dead to me, okay. You know something? These pricks are now putting swastikas on our flag in France. You've got all those boys buried in Normandy. And after we had the good taste to chisel the armpit hair off the Statue of Liberty you gave us, you know something, I always thought that tint was oxidized copper. Little did I know it was green with envy.

(Macho and the kids begin to wake.)

Dusty (To Flair and O****): Keep cool guys. (Yelling) Lemme tellah Jett Jarrah gwne git buckshot up hid ath.

Flair: You’re da GREATESHT, Champ. DA GREATESHT.

O****: At Destination-Lock-Road-2Remember… I will win the NWCW Pure Wrestling tag team TV titles.

(Macho stands up.)

Macho: You guys are still going?

Hall (to broom): Hey Yo, Baby.

(Macho grabs the broom from Hall.)

Macho: NOT FOR YOURS!!

Dusty: Cummon ebrybaddy! We gotta show ta do!

Nash: Do I have a maaaatch?

Dusty: Well hew know haw it be, Ah gwyne git hew a match. We jus’ gon git a lil’ mayn to do da job fo yeh. Les GO ebrybaddy! Moof!

Scene IV

(We come to iMPACT already in progress.)

Tenay: What an unbelievable iMPACT this has been so far. If you just joined us, we’ve seen three vignettes promoting the Dusty Rhodes Administration, another four angles involving DOA Rhodes and women that are forty years younger than him. An AMAZING, OUTSTANDING tag team match between the feuding teams: Fat Talentless Dickwads, and Fatter Dickwads with Slightly Less Talent. They are of course fighting for the approval of Dusty Rhodes, for no apparent reas… (Tenay is shocked by his ankle bracelet.)

Dusty (Over an intercom): Whaddid ah TELL you naw about discentionation een da ranks. Widouta shadda of a dat, hew gwine regret dat. Nah kiss me ladies.

Don West: WE THANK COMRADE DUSTY FOR THIS WONDERFUL LIFE.
CROWD (In Unison): WE THANK COMRADE DUSTY FOR THIS WONDERFUL LIFE.

Tenay (Still in shock): As I was saying… Just moments ago we witnessed the most amazing match in history as Kevin Nash defeated AJ Styles for the X-Division title without ever getting off his back.

Don West: That (shuffles through papers, then reading) finger lock was truly the most excruciating move I have ever seen. He could have ripped AJ’s toe clean off had he not tapped out. I’m just glad its over. But let me tell you, if somebody comes after you, wanting to kick you in the shins or something, you gonna get the biggest and the baddest and the meanest and the ugliest, now you ugly now Vader… WHO WRITES THIS STUFF!? (Shock collar goes off) WE LOVE DUSTY AND ALL THAT HE STANDS FOR.

CROWD (In Unison, with Straight Arm Salutes): HEIL DUSTY!

Tenay: At any rate, up next is a match for the World Title between The Legend Killer and current reigning champion Jeff Jarrett.

(O**** enters the arena and steps into the ring. Jarrett begins his entrance and stops on the ramp, microphone in hand.)

Jarrett: Let me tell you something Slapnuts, I ain’t dropping this title. No matter what Dusty Rhodes says. I also sure as HELL won’t drop it to anyone who knows more about slapping nuts than I do. (To Hall, who is nowhere to be found) SHUT YOUR MOUTH SIDEKICK.

(Dusty Rhodes’ entrance music hits, and he waddles to the ring accompanied by four women who have never been seen on TV before.)

CROWD (In Unison, with Straight Arm Salutes): HEIL DUSTLER!

Dusty: Nah ebrebody simmah dawn! Eberybody kool ET! Befoe ah didicate da rist o dis brocast to mah own self-aggrandizational ageeeenda, I gwne tell you DIS! Jet Jarrah! Hew WEEL faht in dat reeng, now! Or I weel STRIP hew o dah hebbyweit champinchip o da weerl.

(Jarrett, realizing that he is surrounded by fans who know nothing about the evils of Dusty Rhodes enters the ring.)

O**** (Whispering to Jarrett): Ok, I’ll hit you with the LKO, that’s… uhh… Legend Killer…. O? Anyway, you just hit the ground.

(O**** jumps in the air as high as he can, arms outstretched behind him. He falls on his ass, never coming near Jarrett. Jarrett shrugs and falls over. O**** covers him… 1…2…3.)

Sweaty Fan: KICK HIM IN THE FACE!!

(The fans are in shock. They had seen bullshit finishes before, but nothing this blatant since the infamous poke of death. They begin to riot. Fans flood the ring, tearing it apart. Don West gets ketchup on his stupid shiny shirt.)

Don West: Oh man, it’s been decades since I’ve seen these in stores.

(Several stars work their way through the mob trying to find the exit.)

AJ Styles: Outta my way! I’m Phenomenal! Phenomenal One coming through!

Elix Skipper: I’ve never talked before, but get out of my way!

Hall: Hey Yo! Who’s got the broom?

D-Ray 3000: Even I don’t know who I am!

Frankie Kazarian: Which way to the Antonio Banderas look-alike contest?

(Macho gathers the kids, Hall, and Nash and loads them into the Mach-O-Mobile. He speeds away from the burning studio, not sure if TNA will ever be back.)

Scene V

(Macho, the Kids, Hall, and Nash are gathered at the Ice Cream parlor, unsure of their future. Jarrett enters.)

Hall: Hey Yo, Say hello to the bad guy.

Macho: We don’t want no trouble, Jarrett.

Jarrett: That’s good, cause I ain’t here to give none. I just wanted to tell you in person to be at the tapings next week. We’re back in business, and I got my title back.

Macho: How’d you do that?

Jarrett: I’ll spare you the details, lets just say that O****’s poop chute and pucker string will never be the same again.

Kid 4: I bet that flaming faggot loved it too.

Macho: YOU BE TOLERANT OR DIE! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT PAIN IS YET BOY!

Hall: Hey Yo, did Splotch make it out ok?

Jarrett: Nope, He’s gonna feed an African tribe for a year.

Macho: Well, I guess everything worked out for the best then.

(O**** bursts into the room.)

O**** (To Jarrett): HEY!! I have a pulse, and therefore I… DESERVE another title shot. I can almost do the LKO to old men like Jake the Snake! I have never sold an injury in my life! I am the greatest champion of all time. (Cell Phone rings.) Hold on…

Phone: You’re a GENEIUSH!! You’re the GREATESHT!! WOOOO!!

(O**** hangs up.)

O****: See! I will win the title. I am… The Legend Killer. I am… The Legend Killer. I am… The Legend Killer. I am… The Legend Killer.

(Jarrett smacks O**** in the head with his guitar. The group looks at him stunned.)

Jarrett: He was skipping.

Macho: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK KIDS… OOH YEEEEEEAH!!

-Trevelbond-

Last edited by Trevelbond; 15 Mar 2005 at 11:15 PM.
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Old 15 Mar 2005, 11:12 PM   #2 (permalink)
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trev why did you have to add old floppy tits without putting him over?
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Old 16 Mar 2005, 09:03 AM   #3 (permalink)
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the best part of the whole thing, is when they are in the bar out of character, classic stuff...although it would have been great hearing dusty rhodes talk about the pay window
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Old 17 Mar 2005, 05:13 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Any othe questions, comments, or suggestions?

*BUMP*
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Old 17 Mar 2005, 06:13 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Lmfao...ahhh Jesus...Nash is too funny...so is Hall.

NOT FOR YOURS!!

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