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Old 10 Dec 2002, 10:48 PM   #1 (permalink)
Kurt Angle
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A sailor meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How'd you end up with a peg leg?" asks the sailor.
"I was swept overboard in a storm," says the pirate. "A shark bit off me whole leg."

"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?"

"We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other seamen with swords. One of them cut me hand clean off."

"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "And the eye patch?"

"A seagull dropping fell in me eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

Said the pirate, "It was me first day with the hook."
 
Old 10 Dec 2002, 10:51 PM   #2 (permalink)
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lol, ouch. That was some funny shit man.
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Old 10 Dec 2002, 10:54 PM   #3 (permalink)
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it was alright
 
Old 10 Dec 2002, 10:59 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by R.J. Knuckles
it was alright
do better

til then suffer

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The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Billy came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."
"Billy," Miss Francis said, "you mean, 'I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Yeah" Billy said, "Someone stole all them fucking crayons!"
 
Old 10 Dec 2002, 11:05 PM   #5 (permalink)
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It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven.

The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man,
'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'

'No problem,' the man says. 'I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give
up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

'Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'

The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces,
'OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and lets him in.

A few seconds later the next guy comes up.

'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'

The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

'Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.

'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task.
'OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'

The man says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator. . .'
 
Old 11 Dec 2002, 01:01 AM   #6 (permalink)
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not bad my friend
 
Old 11 Dec 2002, 02:27 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Here's 1
What do you get when you put the Rock and Positivley Page in a warzone?

YOU GET...KURT ANGLE
 
Old 11 Dec 2002, 12:33 PM   #8 (permalink)
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That heaven joke kicked ass!
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Old 11 Dec 2002, 12:39 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by T-MAC
Here's 1
What do you get when you put the Rock and Positivley Page in a warzone?

YOU GET...KURT ANGLE
LMAO, now thats some funny shit.
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