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Old 09 Mar 2003, 09:04 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default A story i wrote...

hey i havent had many people read this story...so if you guys would tell me what you think...i would appreciate it......
its a little long...but i think it will be worth it...thanks you guys this forum is the best

Brother, My Brother

The incessant, guttural howling of the quarreling dogs next door woke Danny up early. He slung back the covers and got up out of bed. Dodging his toys, strewn wildly on the floor like dead soldiers at Normandy, he made his way to the bathroom.
Danny, just barely eight years old, looked more like an ageless porcelain doll. His pale, slender frame and innocent face made him seem more like a decoration than a little boy. His blonde hair was tousled from a late night quarrel with his pillow, and his green eyes were still half closed with sleep. Until his bare feet hit the cold, unforgiving linoleum of the bathroom floor, Danny hadn’t realized it was cold, and his white Fruit-of-the-Looms didn’t do much to keep him warm.
Danny went back to his bedroom. He didn’t make his bed; Mom would do that for him. Instead he put on some clothes and started to the kitchen.
Ethan was sitting at the table reading the newspaper. He was up unusually early, too. Normally, Danny wouldn’t have even been waiting for him to wake yet. He hated when the first thing he woke up to in the morning was Danny’s shining face, ready to play. Why couldn’t Danny just understand that high-schoolers need their sleep?
Danny saw his brother at the table long before Ethan knew he was there. Danny was as surprised to see Ethan as Ethan was to see him.
“Hey, moron.”
“Shut up. Why are you up so early?”
“Couldn’t sleep. I’m going to see if Dad will shoot those stupid dogs next door.”
“I know,” Danny replied, not really wanting the dogs killed. “They woke me up, too.”
It didn’t matter why Danny was up anyway. Ethan was lying. He had gotten up to read the newspaper. He was anxious to find some interesting news. He had, and Danny was going to be the first to see it.
“Did you hear about Fred’s Bowl-a-Rama?” Ethan asked, knowing Danny hadn’t.
“What about it?”
“Somebody robbed it.”
Danny’s face contorted into a grimace mixed between horror and fascination.
“Oh, my gosh. Who did it?”
“How should I know, stupid? I wasn’t there.”
“Don’t call me stupid.”
Ethan had meant nothing by the “stupid” remark, but eight-year-olds have the lowest self-esteem of anyone he had ever seen.
“Anyway,” Ethan continued, “There is a picture and description of the robber.”
Danny’s eyes lit up. “Ooh! Let me see. Let me see.”
When Ethan handed Danny the paper, the gleam of excitement quickly faded from Danny’s eyes. Danny was staring at his brother. The caption above the picture read, “Suspect wanted in local robbery”. Below the caption was Ethan. His chocolate brown hair puffed up into a bowl of pudding on top of his head. His eyes were bright, and led straight into his mind. The picture even had the same ugly stubble that Ethan had under his chin. Danny’s horrified face turned on his brother’s.
“That’s you.” Danny’s lips were starting to quiver.
“No it isn’t,” Ethan replied, fearing that he may have struck a nerve with his little brother. “Look, it says that the robber was twenty or twenty-one years old. I’m only fifteen. How could it be me?”
Danny’s immature mind knew no better. “Oh.”
“That’s weird, though, isn’t it? You know, how the picture looks so much like me.”
“Yeah, that is weird.” Danny still felt funny about the whole thing. “Have Mom and Dad seen it yet?” If they had, maybe Danny could believe it, too.
“No.”
“Oh.”
Danny sat down with a bowl of cereal. He wasn’t hungry anymore.

* * * * * * * * * *
Ethan’s room smelled of designer cologne and stale food left on dishes that probably never would be washed. Danny couldn’t understand how Ethan could live in that room. Especially not today, for he had been in his room on the phone since their conversation this morning, and it was now going on four o’clock.
Danny was still uncomfortable about what he’d seen in the paper that morning, as though he’d been betrayed. But, how could he? It wasn’t Ethan. It said right there that the robber was in his twenties. It couldn’t be Ethan. But still he was up very early that morning….
Ethan’s door was cracked a little. Not much, but just enough so that Danny could catch the familiar scent of his brother’s domain as he approached. Danny stopped at the door, not sure if he wanted to go through it. Not sure if he wanted to be on the other side. He heard his brother’s voice from inside. There was an urgency in his voice, almost undetectable over the satisfaction.
“So you got the gun, right?…Well you know we need it by Thursday….Listen, don’t worry about the paper. I’ve got it under control. Later.”
The single, electronic beep of the cordless phone being disconnected made Danny think of a rope being cut in two. The rope that held Danny’s life in balance. He knew. Ethan had to be lying. It was all a scam. Why did Ethan think that he was dumb enough to fall for this? All these thoughts swirled through Danny’s head like trash in a tornado, yet Danny still opened the door.
“Uh, Ethan?” Danny wondered if Ethan could hear the quiver in his voice.
“What, retard?”
“Shut up. Did Mom and Dad see the paper?”
“Yeah.”
“So, what’d they say?”
“Dad thought it was hilarious. Mom just got mad at the guy who drew the picture. Why?” Ethan didn’t even need to ask that question.
“Oh, I was just wondering.” Danny turned to leave. Something stopped him. Maybe it was concern. Maybe it was fear. Danny had to know.
“Ethan?”
“What, idgit?”
Danny skipped the futile attempt to stop Ethan’s remarks. “What were you talking about a gun for?”
Ethan didn’t miss a beat like Danny thought he might. “We’re doing a play at school in Drama class and I need a gun for my part. Donnie’s supposed to bring it.”
“But why do you need a gun?” Danny didn’t know what to think.
“I play a robber. Kinda funny isn’t it? You know, the whole picture thing?”
“Yeah. Oh, well. See you later.”
Danny was anxious to leave. This time it was Ethan himself who stopped Danny.
“Hey, dork.”
Danny turned sharply and met his brother’s eyes. He didn’t know how to look at his brother. Danny was torn between two truths. He had every reason to believe both. He was confused, and tormented.
“What?” Danny didn’t want to know.
“You know that ski mask you wear to play in the snow? Can I borrow it? You know, for the play?”
“Yeah.” Danny had no idea.

* * * * * * * * * *
Saturday arrived. Danny got up earlier than everyone. He wanted the paper before Ethan ever thought about waking up. Sure enough, as Danny opened the paper he met face to face with his brother. This time he knew it was his brother. There was no denying it. Mel’s BarberShop was out $285, and Ethan had it. In the text, Danny found the passage that confirmed his fears.
Police believe that the barbershop was robbed by the same young man who held up Fred’s Bowl-o-Rama last week. This time, however, the assailant wore a mask. Other physical details described by the two robbery victims match perfectly, thus leading police to their conclusion.
Danny found the number to call in order to get information to the police. He wrote it down but never intended to use it. He never had to.

* * * * * * * * * *
That evening there was a knock on the door. Danny was the first to answer it. The opening of the door revealed something Danny had only imagined. The officers were as real as life itself. Danny couldn’t speak. He was thankful Ethan came up behind him to handle the situation.
“Yes, officers? Can we help you?”
The officer in front wasted no time. “That’s him!”
Ethan had his gun out much quicker than the police. Before the cops had their sights trained on Ethan, he had already backed halfway up the stairs with his arm around Danny’s neck and the gun to his head.
“Don’t take another step. I’ll shoot him, I swear to God!”
Danny’s parents had made their way to the scene. Both were pleading with Ethan for him to use some reason. They were met with the same ultimatum as the police.
“Don’t play with me! I swear I’ll do it!”
Ethan didn’t have to swear again. His father’s hand clamping down on his shoulder preceded the most disgusting sound any of them had ever heard. The piercing crack of the gunshot was nothing compared to the sound of Danny’s loose flesh and muscle tissue splattering against the wall of the stairwell. Their mother never even screamed. She didn’t have time to between the deaths of her sons. The officer’s shot hit Ethan just below the unattractive stubble on the bottom of his chin. Both brothers died instantly.

* * * * * * * * * *
Ethan never thought that Danny had called the cops and he was right. Ethan didn’t want to kill his brother, either. Danny knew that. Ethan wanted nothing more than to tell his brother that he was sorry. He never got to say the words he wanted Danny to hear, but the inscription on their joint tombstone said it well enough. “The bonds of brotherly love shall never be broken and shall last through the greatest strife, forever.”
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Last edited by Angle'sWaterboy; 09 Mar 2003 at 09:08 AM.
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Old 23 Mar 2003, 11:06 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Well, as a screenwriter, I can honestly say I don't know what to say. Why? Because most people don't like to read that long of things. How do you get them to read it? You pull apart things. That's why we have formatting.

Instead of saying.....

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvdsgfwxyz abcdefgjhhijklmnopqrstuvwxyz abcdefghijklhjmnogjhgjpqrsthgkjuvwxyz abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyhgjhgjhgjzggfhgf abcdejhkfghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz abcdefghhgijklmnopqrstuvwxyz abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

Say....

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvdsgfwxyz

abcdefghhgijklmnopqrstuvwxyz abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

Its much easier to read. Directors won't read stuff that is crammed together. Not saying your trying to get it made or anything. I am just providing helpful professional ideas.
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