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Old 19 Feb 2003, 12:39 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Talking Blonde Jokes

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....
Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"
Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."
Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"
Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."
At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.
Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."
Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"
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Now your turn.
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Old 19 Feb 2003, 02:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Funny, Cam!
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Old 19 Feb 2003, 02:56 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Forgotten Sin
Funny, Cam!
Yea
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Old 19 Feb 2003, 03:17 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Two blondes were waiting at the Pearly Gates and struck up a
conversation.
First blonde says "How did you die?"
Second says "I froze to death".
First blonde says "Must have been awful."
Second blonde says "How did you die?"
First blonde says "I had a heart attack, I knew my husband was
being unfaithful so I came home unexpectedly one day and rushed
to the bedroom and found my husband alone reading. I rushed to
the basement and nobody was hiding there, I rushed to the attic
and still no one, and after all that rushing around I had a
heart attack and died."
Second blonde says, "If only you'd looked in the freezer we'd
both still be alive."



One day, a blonde walked into a bar. The bartender asked her
what her drink would be and she told him. She then asked him to
turn the 6 a'clock news on. Doing so, the news showed a man on
the golden gate bridge threatening to put an end to his life.
The redhead next to her also watching, offered a bet to the
blonde that the man would eventually jump. The blonde jumped at
the opportunity and said a definite yes. About 7 minutes later
the man plunged to his death. The redhead was claiming her 50$
dollar prize when she confessed "I can't accept this, I saw
this story at 12 o'clock. I knew what would happen". The blonde
replied "Yes you can, I saw the same story at 12, but I thought
he had learned his lesson this time!"



There once was a blonde, brunette and a red head. They all
heard a story that if you told a lie to a mirror that it would
suck you up. So, they all try it. The brunette goes first.
She says, "I think that I am the prettiest girl in the world!"
She gets sucked up. Then the red head goes next, she says, "I
think that I am the prettiest girl in the world!" She gets
sucked up. The blonde goes next and says, "I think..."
She gets sucked up.


The blonde and the lawyer

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun
game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The
lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of
fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa. "Again, she
declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated,
says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and
if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This
catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no
end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches
into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the
lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes
up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The
lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his
modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no
answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and
coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and
hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back
to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde
and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde
reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to
sleep.



A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and
approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason
that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh
officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident!
I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved
to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved
to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror,the
officer replied, "Ma'am...that's your air freshener."



Theres a blonde and a brunette in a elevator. And a man walks
in with really bad dandruff,so the brunette says "Someone
should give him head and shoulders" and the blonde replys "I
know how to give head but how do you give shoulders?"


This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS


One day a Blonde walked into the doctors office with 2 red ears.
The doctor asked what happened. She said "I was ironing and the
phone rang and I picked up the iron by mistake. "What happened
to the other ear?" the doctor asked. "They called back."
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Old 19 Feb 2003, 03:23 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the
other and said, "I've got to take a shit."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and
shit."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."
The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great
idea-- I'll use that!"

He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened
to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass
with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
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Old 19 Feb 2003, 03:25 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Top Ten Blonde Inventions
1) The water-proof towel
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Water-proof tea bag
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Old 19 Feb 2003, 03:27 PM   #7 (permalink)
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A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to
a barstool. After ordering a drink and sitting there for a
while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely
quiet.In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him
says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The
bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall,
200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the
woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter.
The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a pro wrestler.
Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that
joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to
explain it five times."
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Old 19 Feb 2003, 03:28 PM   #8 (permalink)
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A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her
right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says,

"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent
exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says

"OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
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Old 20 Feb 2003, 10:50 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by DeathsDisguise
Top Ten Blonde Inventions
1) The water-proof towel
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Water-proof tea bag
ROTLMFAO
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Old 22 Feb 2003, 12:00 AM   #10 (permalink)
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lmao! ok...
__________________
<center>
~"People may laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh back at them because they're all the same"~
<center>
~"The earth is full of kings and queens. They'll blind your eyes and steal your dreams. Kurt Cobain didn't make it... and left behind a generation of tortured souls. heed this warning."~
<center>
<select name=which style="font-family: tahoma; font-size: 9pt; background-color: black; font-weight: ; color: darkblue">
<option>Nirvana - Heart-Shaped Box</option>
<option></option>
<option>She eyes me like a pisces when I am weak</option>
<option>I've been locked inside your Heart Shaped box for a week</option>
<option>I was drawn into your magnet tar pit trap</option>
<option>I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn back</option>
<option></option>
<option>Hey!</option>
<option>Wait!</option>
<option></option>
<option>I've got a new complaint</option>
<option>Forever in debt to your priceless advice</option>
<option></option>
<option>(Hate)</option>
<option>(Weight)</option>
<option></option>
<option>I've got a new complaint</option>
<option>Forever in debt to your priceless advice</option>
<option></option>
<option>Hey!</option>
<option>Wait!</option>
<option></option>
<option>I've got a new complaint</option>
<option>Forever in debt to your priceless advice</option>
<option>Meat-eating orchids forgive no one just yet</option>
<option>Cut myself angel's hair and baby's breath</option>
<option>Broken hymen of your highness I'm left black</option>
<option>Throw down your umbilical noose so I can climb right back -</option>
</select>

<center>


<center>I am now complete

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Old 22 Feb 2003, 08:18 AM   #11 (permalink)
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LMMAO!
 
 


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